Love and Coffee Cups

I don't believe in fate.

 

Let's just put that out there right now.

 

I don't believe in fate, destiny, or kismet outcomes.

Those ideas have really never stuck with me.

There have been times where I think I did.

But it went away pretty quickly.

 

Point being,
things happen.

That doesn't necessarily mean
that things were "supposed" to happen.

 

They just do.

Anyway. 

I've met someone.

A man.

A man that wasn't the one that I spent seven years of my life with,

someone that wasn't Adam.

It's a bit freaky how quickly it happened.

This is definitely something I didn't forsee or expect.

But I'm so glad it did.

 

I'm now being reminded daily about how good it feels to just be.

Be myself.

Not feeling like I have to censor my thoughts or words.

To tiptoe around things.

To be accepted for who I am already, not what I could or should be.

 

Not that Adam forced any of that. No. I'll let that be known now.

I forced that kind of personal torture

(yes, I'll use the word torture. Not feeling like you can

totally be who you are is a terrible feeling)

on myself.

It was the result of trying to hold on and fix something that already was

broken, something beyond repair.

 

I even tried to scare this new man,

(the key word here is tried).

By revealing some of the horrible truths that all of us carry around,

the parts of ourselves that only come out with time.

The parts that we try to hide,

because

the idea of people being able to see some of those exposed parts

is just too terrifying.

 

I think now it might have been an attempt of self preservation,
as odd as that sounds.

 

Put it all out there

and when he runs for the hills

(and he WILL run for the hills)

you breathe a sigh of relief.

You know now that it wouldn't have worked

and that it would have ended eventually.

And you just saved yourself 

weeks

months

even YEARS 

of nice times only to end in sadness.

 

Only it didn't work out like that.

 

 He didn't react like I expected.

Hannah was still alright how she was.

Even when I admitted to the not-so-nice-and-kind-of-embarassing faults

he still was interested.

 

Of course I don't know how things will continue, or even end.

But I feel like I'm letting go of some of the weight I've been carrying around.

I'm starting to breathe easier, knowing that I am being authentic and true to myself,

and that it's okay to do so. Nothing bad will happen. In fact, so far, only good things have come of it.

 

I am so grateful.

If I believed in fate, I would thank the Universe
for all of her kind gestures.

Thank you.