New Beginnings

Whew.

What a crazy week!

I move into my new apartment tomorrow, if the guy gets his act together and moves the hell out!

And I start my new job on Friday. 

New beginnings, and I'm starting to get excited. 

I have never lived by myself before, and the possibilities are starting to sink in.

I can be selfish, I can be messy, I can be a freak.

Because I'll be ALL BY MYSELF

Ahhhhh!

The only concern is that I might die alone and no one will find my body for weeks. 

James would have eaten most of me by then.

Here's hoping that doesn't happen.

I will be taking so many new photos of my new place. It's unreal.

Maintenance Mode

I guess I've been moving along the best I can. 

I have three interviews in the next two weeks,
I've looked at a wonderful apartment that I 

will hear about tomorrow. 

And I have been telling everyone what has happened. 

I didn't really do that before,
because I think I was under the blanket of hope that things 

might change.

Things seem so surreal and yet
all too painful and realistic 

at the same time. 

 

I saw two of our friends today.

It was fantastic to hear him say exactly what I have been feeling the past week.

"He's making the biggest mistake of his life.

I bet he just panicked and was over thinking things until he made a rash decision and

when the pains of loneliness hits him, he'll realize what he had and gave away."

This was so nice to hear. 

That what I'm feeling isn't ridiculous. 

That Adam is making such a huge mistake,
and that he isn't right about this.

I needed to hear that.

I'm starting to realize how much things hadn't been working.
You need two people for any relationship to work,
and I lost that other half a while ago.
I'm incredibly loyal, and I think I was telling myself over and over,

"This is a rough patch"

"Things will get better"
"Don't give up in case things change"

Even if you give 100%
if you don't have another person pulling their weight,
you still end up with only 50%.

Maybe that's why I wasn't as devasted as I thought I would be.
I was mentally prepared far more than I realized.
That Adam had checked out a long time ago.
This wasn't something that I overlooked.
And while I'm disappointed at how we ended,
I know that I gave it my all.
And that is something I won't regret.

 

The End of Something Beautiful

The past week has been kind of a blur.
I don't know what I'm doing,
where I should be going,
or how to interact with people.

This past week, Adam and I ended our 7 year relationship.

It came as kind of a shock to me, him saying that he didn't want to be in a

relationship with me any longer.

No, this wasn't necessarily a mutual decision.

Now we are in the process of figuring out how to get things adjusted.
We have lived together for over 6 years,
have all of our finances combined,
and most of our possessions are considered "joint" as well.

This might take a while.

This is just still such a shock to me.
I never expected us to end like this. A love story that didn't end happily ever after. 

I wish we could have tried harder,
 to fix whatever he apparently thought was

wrong with us.

But, I don't want to force a man to be with me if he doesn't want that.

He doesn't deserve it,
and neither do I.

I know my own worth.

We have separated and are just communicating logistics at this point.

I'm now trying to find a full time job, and an apartment.

For the first time in my adult life, I will be single, completely on my own. 

I know that sometimes love just dies, and that is something that you can't fix.

But it still doesn't change the fact that I feel like I did something wrong,

if only 

I would have changed something,

did something,

become someone better.

I'm heartbroken, and I am completely terrified of my future at this point.

The worst part is: 

I know that things will work out.

But, I also know that things will get worse before they get better. 

Things will cause me so much pain, and I'm scared of dealing with that pain without him.

Such Class

My youngest sister took this photo.

I think she captured my essence.