Shit

Fall is here! 

My FAVORITE season!

I need to get my butt in gear.

Summer Cravings

July is almost here, and the idea of that is just crazy to me. Like most people, I make plans of things I want to accomplish when it's a certain season. Every time the weather starts to change, I make a list of ideas and moments I want to create. And, damnit! I want to actually complete one for once!

 

Maybe putting that list here is a way to keep myself accountable, and to remind myself daily to finish it. Some of these things aren't specific activities, but more of a "feeling", if you will.

 

Cold beer, warm nights

Fall asleep in the sun (with sunscreen, of course)

Picnic in Island Park

Have one weekend with no specific plans

Hang white lights in my apartment

Go for a long drive with no particular destination in mind

Ride my bike to work

Farmer's market! I'm going to tear that shit up!

Spend at least half a day in bed doing nothing

(Can you tell I've been extremely busy?)

Make a perfect margarita

Watermelon

Tomatoes!!

Painted toenails

No makeup

Finish a new novel,

preferably something that makes me feel guilty

Walk, walk, walk

Remember how long the winter lasted,

especially the days when you feel like you will melt

 



I don't believe in fate.

 

Let's just put that out there right now.

 

I don't believe in fate, destiny, or kismet outcomes.

Those ideas have really never stuck with me.

There have been times where I think I did.

But it went away pretty quickly.

 

Point being,
things happen.

That doesn't necessarily mean
that things were "supposed" to happen.

 

They just do.

Anyway. 

I've met someone.

A man.

A man that wasn't the one that I spent seven years of my life with,

someone that wasn't Adam.

It's a bit freaky how quickly it happened.

This is definitely something I didn't forsee or expect.

But I'm so glad it did.

 

I'm now being reminded daily about how good it feels to just be.

Be myself.

Not feeling like I have to censor my thoughts or words.

To tiptoe around things.

To be accepted for who I am already, not what I could or should be.

 

Not that Adam forced any of that. No. I'll let that be known now.

I forced that kind of personal torture

(yes, I'll use the word torture. Not feeling like you can

totally be who you are is a terrible feeling)

on myself.

It was the result of trying to hold on and fix something that already was

broken, something beyond repair.

 

I even tried to scare this new man,

(the key word here is tried).

By revealing some of the horrible truths that all of us carry around,

the parts of ourselves that only come out with time.

The parts that we try to hide,

because

the idea of people being able to see some of those exposed parts

is just too terrifying.

 

I think now it might have been an attempt of self preservation,
as odd as that sounds.

 

Put it all out there

and when he runs for the hills

(and he WILL run for the hills)

you breathe a sigh of relief.

You know now that it wouldn't have worked

and that it would have ended eventually.

And you just saved yourself 

weeks

months

even YEARS 

of nice times only to end in sadness.

 

Only it didn't work out like that.

 

 He didn't react like I expected.

Hannah was still alright how she was.

Even when I admitted to the not-so-nice-and-kind-of-embarassing faults

he still was interested.

 

Of course I don't know how things will continue, or even end.

But I feel like I'm letting go of some of the weight I've been carrying around.

I'm starting to breathe easier, knowing that I am being authentic and true to myself,

and that it's okay to do so. Nothing bad will happen. In fact, so far, only good things have come of it.

 

I am so grateful.

If I believed in fate, I would thank the Universe
for all of her kind gestures.

Thank you. 



life is good

Light has come out from the end of that long tunnel.

I always knew things would work out,

but to finally be on the other side is a wonderful feeling.

Some people may say that it's too early,

some may say that I need more time.

 

But, I'm doing what's right for me,

and I know that's all that matters.

 

Work, apartment, friends and family.

All of it is coming together so in such a beautiful way.

 

One of the reasons I haven't been posting is that I've been so busy

with work, social obligations, music festivals and the like.

I haven't the time to post!

I also don't have internet yet.

Yuck.

 

But, I will be taking more photos and hopefully be able to write down more thoughts soon!

 



New Beginnings

Whew.

What a crazy week!

I move into my new apartment tomorrow, if the guy gets his act together and moves the hell out!

And I start my new job on Friday. 

New beginnings, and I'm starting to get excited. 

I have never lived by myself before, and the possibilities are starting to sink in.

I can be selfish, I can be messy, I can be a freak.

Because I'll be ALL BY MYSELF

Ahhhhh!

The only concern is that I might die alone and no one will find my body for weeks. 

James would have eaten most of me by then.

Here's hoping that doesn't happen.

I will be taking so many new photos of my new place. It's unreal.

Maintenance Mode

I guess I've been moving along the best I can. 

I have three interviews in the next two weeks,
I've looked at a wonderful apartment that I 

will hear about tomorrow. 

And I have been telling everyone what has happened. 

I didn't really do that before,
because I think I was under the blanket of hope that things 

might change.

Things seem so surreal and yet
all too painful and realistic 

at the same time. 

 

I saw two of our friends today.

It was fantastic to hear him say exactly what I have been feeling the past week.

"He's making the biggest mistake of his life.

I bet he just panicked and was over thinking things until he made a rash decision and

when the pains of loneliness hits him, he'll realize what he had and gave away."

This was so nice to hear. 

That what I'm feeling isn't ridiculous. 

That Adam is making such a huge mistake,
and that he isn't right about this.

I needed to hear that.

I'm starting to realize how much things hadn't been working.
You need two people for any relationship to work,
and I lost that other half a while ago.
I'm incredibly loyal, and I think I was telling myself over and over,

"This is a rough patch"

"Things will get better"
"Don't give up in case things change"

Even if you give 100%
if you don't have another person pulling their weight,
you still end up with only 50%.

Maybe that's why I wasn't as devasted as I thought I would be.
I was mentally prepared far more than I realized.
That Adam had checked out a long time ago.
This wasn't something that I overlooked.
And while I'm disappointed at how we ended,
I know that I gave it my all.
And that is something I won't regret.

 

The End of Something Beautiful

The past week has been kind of a blur.
I don't know what I'm doing,
where I should be going,
or how to interact with people.

This past week, Adam and I ended our 7 year relationship.

It came as kind of a shock to me, him saying that he didn't want to be in a

relationship with me any longer.

No, this wasn't necessarily a mutual decision.

Now we are in the process of figuring out how to get things adjusted.
We have lived together for over 6 years,
have all of our finances combined,
and most of our possessions are considered "joint" as well.

This might take a while.

This is just still such a shock to me.
I never expected us to end like this. A love story that didn't end happily ever after. 

I wish we could have tried harder,
 to fix whatever he apparently thought was

wrong with us.

But, I don't want to force a man to be with me if he doesn't want that.

He doesn't deserve it,
and neither do I.

I know my own worth.

We have separated and are just communicating logistics at this point.

I'm now trying to find a full time job, and an apartment.

For the first time in my adult life, I will be single, completely on my own. 

I know that sometimes love just dies, and that is something that you can't fix.

But it still doesn't change the fact that I feel like I did something wrong,

if only 

I would have changed something,

did something,

become someone better.

I'm heartbroken, and I am completely terrified of my future at this point.

The worst part is: 

I know that things will work out.

But, I also know that things will get worse before they get better. 

Things will cause me so much pain, and I'm scared of dealing with that pain without him.

Such Class

My youngest sister took this photo.

I think she captured my essence.

Easter Weekend

This Easter weekend was spent at my mom's place. 

She lives in western North Dakota with 

my youngest sister. 

I drove there with my other two siblings

and it was so much fun.

I always enjoy visiting my mom, catching up on all the news, 

drinking gallons of coffee throughout the day

and then switching to beer when the time was right. :)

The scenery was just beautiful.

You can see for miles, and within a few minutes, the light just changes 

and your view is entirely different.

Other highlights: playing with the adorable puppies

hanging with all of the siblings together

walking to see calves being born

drinking and playing games

and spending time with family.

And the final day of our weekend?

This happened.

Happy Spring!

Fresh Summer Food

We got 8 more inches of snow while we were on vacation in Texas.

When we were enjoying the warm sunny weather,

I laughed when I heard about the

new storm.

Then we came home.

I'm not laughing any more.

Now I'm just dreaming of summer and fresh produce.

So I made some lunch for the week with some amazing results.

Doesn't it look scrumptious?

Very simple salad with carrots, broccoli, red peppers and quinoa.

I'm in love.

I can't wait for my CSA boxes to come to me this summer!

Texas Photos

I admit it.

I was HORRIBLE for this vacation in Texas.

Seriously, horrible.

I should have taken SO many more photos than I did.

But, I have a reason.

When I'm on vacation, I like to actually use that time to relax.

I haven't really figured out the balance between documenting things, and taking the time to be in the moment.

This type of balance is hard for me.

But, I did take some.

Six Flags was something we did the second day that we were in Texas. 

I did not participate in any of the ride going.

Heights and speeds terrify me.

Amusements parks and I don't get along.

This was the ride of a lifetime.

Not because it was a great ride, 

oh my no.

It was because Adam and our friends waited in line for 

3 HOURS.

Let me repeat that.

3 WHOLE HOURS.

It was insane.

This was only part of the line.

And it looked like it didn't move at all.

But, eventually, I could see them.

Right there in the middle.

They finally appeared.

Stubborn as ever, not even considering giving up.

I was the weirdo just sitting on the side for 3 hours.

It got boring.

At least the weather was beautiful.

It made the waiting bearable.

I looked around, bought a $10 hotdog. 

Immediately regretted said hotdog.

The most fun part of the day was the people watching.

It was awesome.

\

We stayed at two different hotels during our stay. 

The Fairfield in Denton, and the hotel our friend works at

Best Western Premiere.

Both hotels were awesome.

After two days with our friends in Denton, we took a short

trip to Austin, Texas.

SXSW was going on, and it was NUTS.

I don't remember seeing so many people in one area. 

Music playing everywhere, hipsters galore.

I loved it.

Rachel's friend Pam graciously let us stay at her house.

Having a front and backyard to spend time in was great.

Especially since the weather was just perfect, 

not too hot, not too cold.

Downtown Austin had such a great vibe about it,

food trucks everywhere, 

cool little shops.

Adam really liked this one place.

It reminded me of my grandma's attic.

Weird, cool, old things.

I can't wait to visit again. We both really loved our time in Texas. 

Great food, wonderful time with friends,

and new memories were made.

Texas, this is not the last time we will be together.

Back From Texas!

Texas was a blast!

Oh my goodness, so much fun.

It was so amazing seeing our friends Sam and Cydney, 

and they were such gracious hosts.

I hope to have some photos up here soon.

Winter Snow

Coffee Cures Everything

View From My Office Computer

Missing The Warm Days Of Summer

If you happen to live in the Great North, 

there inevitably comes a time when you start to hate winter, 

and you feel like the cold wind and snow 

will never end. 

I haven't gotten to that point yet, but I'm sure it's getting close.

We're in March now, 

the supposed beginning of spring, 

and we are expecting ANOTHER storm by the end of this weekend.

 6-12 inches is predicted.

I'm hoping for 12 inches. 

I still need to go cross country skiing.

But....

Adam and I have planned for the dreaded 

"Winter-is-the-worst-season-ever-why-do-we-live-here" 

phase by planning an mid-season trip!

To Texas!

These two tiny people are our friends Sam and Cydney.

They live way down south,

and in about 11 days, 

we are going to wear some shorts

and join them!

Adam and I are both pumped.

And, we are traveling with our good friend Rachel!

Even more fun!

This trip has been getting me so excited for summer.

Like, super excited.

See this pizza?

It's peanut butter, pepperoni and jalapeno pizza that you get at Zorbaz's in DL.

It's so wrong and so right at the same time.

This is the food of summer.

And I can't wait.

Reading with coffee out in the summer morning is a pleasure I've almost forgotten about.

But, hopefully I'll remember how to do this when we

are down in Texas.

Let's hope so.

And I love traveling with this guy. 

He's always a good partner on adventures.

Or in general.

Winter In The Flattest Place On Earth

It's quite impressive really. 

How the white goes for miles and miles, without and break in the landscape.

After a while, you feel like you are starting to go crazy.

Winter, it's awesome.