Summer Cravings

July is almost here, and the idea of that is just crazy to me. Like most people, I make plans of things I want to accomplish when it's a certain season. Every time the weather starts to change, I make a list of ideas and moments I want to create. And, damnit! I want to actually complete one for once!

 

Maybe putting that list here is a way to keep myself accountable, and to remind myself daily to finish it. Some of these things aren't specific activities, but more of a "feeling", if you will.

 

Cold beer, warm nights

Fall asleep in the sun (with sunscreen, of course)

Picnic in Island Park

Have one weekend with no specific plans

Hang white lights in my apartment

Go for a long drive with no particular destination in mind

Ride my bike to work

Farmer's market! I'm going to tear that shit up!

Spend at least half a day in bed doing nothing

(Can you tell I've been extremely busy?)

Make a perfect margarita

Watermelon

Tomatoes!!

Painted toenails

No makeup

Finish a new novel,

preferably something that makes me feel guilty

Walk, walk, walk

Remember how long the winter lasted,

especially the days when you feel like you will melt

 



I don't believe in fate.

 

Let's just put that out there right now.

 

I don't believe in fate, destiny, or kismet outcomes.

Those ideas have really never stuck with me.

There have been times where I think I did.

But it went away pretty quickly.

 

Point being,
things happen.

That doesn't necessarily mean
that things were "supposed" to happen.

 

They just do.

Anyway. 

I've met someone.

A man.

A man that wasn't the one that I spent seven years of my life with,

someone that wasn't Adam.

It's a bit freaky how quickly it happened.

This is definitely something I didn't forsee or expect.

But I'm so glad it did.

 

I'm now being reminded daily about how good it feels to just be.

Be myself.

Not feeling like I have to censor my thoughts or words.

To tiptoe around things.

To be accepted for who I am already, not what I could or should be.

 

Not that Adam forced any of that. No. I'll let that be known now.

I forced that kind of personal torture

(yes, I'll use the word torture. Not feeling like you can

totally be who you are is a terrible feeling)

on myself.

It was the result of trying to hold on and fix something that already was

broken, something beyond repair.

 

I even tried to scare this new man,

(the key word here is tried).

By revealing some of the horrible truths that all of us carry around,

the parts of ourselves that only come out with time.

The parts that we try to hide,

because

the idea of people being able to see some of those exposed parts

is just too terrifying.

 

I think now it might have been an attempt of self preservation,
as odd as that sounds.

 

Put it all out there

and when he runs for the hills

(and he WILL run for the hills)

you breathe a sigh of relief.

You know now that it wouldn't have worked

and that it would have ended eventually.

And you just saved yourself 

weeks

months

even YEARS 

of nice times only to end in sadness.

 

Only it didn't work out like that.

 

 He didn't react like I expected.

Hannah was still alright how she was.

Even when I admitted to the not-so-nice-and-kind-of-embarassing faults

he still was interested.

 

Of course I don't know how things will continue, or even end.

But I feel like I'm letting go of some of the weight I've been carrying around.

I'm starting to breathe easier, knowing that I am being authentic and true to myself,

and that it's okay to do so. Nothing bad will happen. In fact, so far, only good things have come of it.

 

I am so grateful.

If I believed in fate, I would thank the Universe
for all of her kind gestures.

Thank you.