A long hiatus.....

There are times I feel bad neglecting this little blog over here, 

and then there are other times I go,

meh.

It's fine, though.

I really don't want to give up on this space that I occasionally come to.

So, I think I'll write some important things down.

Life is good.

There are good things, and bad things that happen, 

but overall,

I'm really happy.

I'm planning a wedding.

My own wedding, 

if you can believe it.

There are times I can hardly believe it.

My mom bought my dress.

I think it's beautiful, and I'm really excited to wear it.

Evan and I are looking into buying a house, which is also very exciting.

But first, the wedding.

We are trying to focus on one thing at a time.

No, I'm not pregnant.

Just thought I'd put that out there.

Shit

Fall is here! 

My FAVORITE season!

I need to get my butt in gear.

Summer Cravings

July is almost here, and the idea of that is just crazy to me. Like most people, I make plans of things I want to accomplish when it's a certain season. Every time the weather starts to change, I make a list of ideas and moments I want to create. And, damnit! I want to actually complete one for once!

 

Maybe putting that list here is a way to keep myself accountable, and to remind myself daily to finish it. Some of these things aren't specific activities, but more of a "feeling", if you will.

 

Cold beer, warm nights

Fall asleep in the sun (with sunscreen, of course)

Picnic in Island Park

Have one weekend with no specific plans

Hang white lights in my apartment

Go for a long drive with no particular destination in mind

Ride my bike to work

Farmer's market! I'm going to tear that shit up!

Spend at least half a day in bed doing nothing

(Can you tell I've been extremely busy?)

Make a perfect margarita

Watermelon

Tomatoes!!

Painted toenails

No makeup

Finish a new novel,

preferably something that makes me feel guilty

Walk, walk, walk

Remember how long the winter lasted,

especially the days when you feel like you will melt

 



I don't believe in fate.

 

Let's just put that out there right now.

 

I don't believe in fate, destiny, or kismet outcomes.

Those ideas have really never stuck with me.

There have been times where I think I did.

But it went away pretty quickly.

 

Point being,
things happen.

That doesn't necessarily mean
that things were "supposed" to happen.

 

They just do.

Anyway. 

I've met someone.

A man.

A man that wasn't the one that I spent seven years of my life with,

someone that wasn't Adam.

It's a bit freaky how quickly it happened.

This is definitely something I didn't forsee or expect.

But I'm so glad it did.

 

I'm now being reminded daily about how good it feels to just be.

Be myself.

Not feeling like I have to censor my thoughts or words.

To tiptoe around things.

To be accepted for who I am already, not what I could or should be.

 

Not that Adam forced any of that. No. I'll let that be known now.

I forced that kind of personal torture

(yes, I'll use the word torture. Not feeling like you can

totally be who you are is a terrible feeling)

on myself.

It was the result of trying to hold on and fix something that already was

broken, something beyond repair.

 

I even tried to scare this new man,

(the key word here is tried).

By revealing some of the horrible truths that all of us carry around,

the parts of ourselves that only come out with time.

The parts that we try to hide,

because

the idea of people being able to see some of those exposed parts

is just too terrifying.

 

I think now it might have been an attempt of self preservation,
as odd as that sounds.

 

Put it all out there

and when he runs for the hills

(and he WILL run for the hills)

you breathe a sigh of relief.

You know now that it wouldn't have worked

and that it would have ended eventually.

And you just saved yourself 

weeks

months

even YEARS 

of nice times only to end in sadness.

 

Only it didn't work out like that.

 

 He didn't react like I expected.

Hannah was still alright how she was.

Even when I admitted to the not-so-nice-and-kind-of-embarassing faults

he still was interested.

 

Of course I don't know how things will continue, or even end.

But I feel like I'm letting go of some of the weight I've been carrying around.

I'm starting to breathe easier, knowing that I am being authentic and true to myself,

and that it's okay to do so. Nothing bad will happen. In fact, so far, only good things have come of it.

 

I am so grateful.

If I believed in fate, I would thank the Universe
for all of her kind gestures.

Thank you. 



life is good

Light has come out from the end of that long tunnel.

I always knew things would work out,

but to finally be on the other side is a wonderful feeling.

Some people may say that it's too early,

some may say that I need more time.

 

But, I'm doing what's right for me,

and I know that's all that matters.

 

Work, apartment, friends and family.

All of it is coming together so in such a beautiful way.

 

One of the reasons I haven't been posting is that I've been so busy

with work, social obligations, music festivals and the like.

I haven't the time to post!

I also don't have internet yet.

Yuck.

 

But, I will be taking more photos and hopefully be able to write down more thoughts soon!

 



New Beginnings

Whew.

What a crazy week!

I move into my new apartment tomorrow, if the guy gets his act together and moves the hell out!

And I start my new job on Friday. 

New beginnings, and I'm starting to get excited. 

I have never lived by myself before, and the possibilities are starting to sink in.

I can be selfish, I can be messy, I can be a freak.

Because I'll be ALL BY MYSELF

Ahhhhh!

The only concern is that I might die alone and no one will find my body for weeks. 

James would have eaten most of me by then.

Here's hoping that doesn't happen.

I will be taking so many new photos of my new place. It's unreal.

Maintenance Mode

I guess I've been moving along the best I can. 

I have three interviews in the next two weeks,
I've looked at a wonderful apartment that I 

will hear about tomorrow. 

And I have been telling everyone what has happened. 

I didn't really do that before,
because I think I was under the blanket of hope that things 

might change.

Things seem so surreal and yet
all too painful and realistic 

at the same time. 

 

I saw two of our friends today.

It was fantastic to hear him say exactly what I have been feeling the past week.

"He's making the biggest mistake of his life.

I bet he just panicked and was over thinking things until he made a rash decision and

when the pains of loneliness hits him, he'll realize what he had and gave away."

This was so nice to hear. 

That what I'm feeling isn't ridiculous. 

That Adam is making such a huge mistake,
and that he isn't right about this.

I needed to hear that.

I'm starting to realize how much things hadn't been working.
You need two people for any relationship to work,
and I lost that other half a while ago.
I'm incredibly loyal, and I think I was telling myself over and over,

"This is a rough patch"

"Things will get better"
"Don't give up in case things change"

Even if you give 100%
if you don't have another person pulling their weight,
you still end up with only 50%.

Maybe that's why I wasn't as devasted as I thought I would be.
I was mentally prepared far more than I realized.
That Adam had checked out a long time ago.
This wasn't something that I overlooked.
And while I'm disappointed at how we ended,
I know that I gave it my all.
And that is something I won't regret.